“I’m doing terrible, thanks for asking!”
Honesty. Vulnerability. Truth.
These are the morals us CGA apprentices have agreed to follow.
“How’s your day?”
You either can answer that with a cover up, half truth, or a lie. OR you can answer with honesty.
Maybe when you answer that question and you say “I’m doing good!” You are honest… but if you are going to say those words, make sure it’s true.
Recently I have been struggling a lot. Every piece of my life seems to be changing, altering, being taken away, or simply is hard. I could make this whole blog about what exactly sucks right now, OR I could tell you what I am learning through it.
When we started classes here at CGA I was going through the most change I ever had before all at once. My heart was hurting, I didn’t know where to turn, and I felt like my duty to these new people was to be a perfect version of myself. Was this healthy? Absolutely not.
Every second I felt like my heart was hurting more and more and every minute I felt like I was simply doing everything wrong because what I was feeling was different than what I was trying so hard to portray.
Happiness is the emotion everyone sees me in and I was afraid to portray anything else.
CGAs BIGGEST core value is being honest with yourself and that’s something people began to really call me into. If I can’t be honest with myself I can’t be honest with everyone else around me. And if I can’t be honest with everyone else around me, I’m living in fake community.
One of our classes was on failure. Read that again. One of our classes was on FAILURE. I thought I knew everything there was about failure until our teacher looked me dead pan in the eyes and asked “when’s the last time you failed, and how did you feel about it?”.
I freaked.
“Uhhhh… I dunno!”
“Yes you do, tell us” he said.
I instantly had a million things I could say that would be playing it safe, and one answer that was actually true.
The rest of the class it was me and the teacher going back and forth on my failures, what they were, how I responded to them, how I deal with failure, and we went DEEP. And all of this took place in front of my peers which I hadn’t even known for a week at this point. I was shocked and frazzled and I left the talk with one thing the teacher had spoken over me… “if you want to actually get something out of this community and this program, you need to walk into class everyday and walk into your houses everyday being honest with how you actually are. If you hurting, say it. If your great, say it. If your broken, say it. Work through your pain, don’t hide your pain.”
So here I am processing literally the biggest season of transition, change, and hurt in my entire life up to this point and I can honestly say “I’m doing terrible, but I’m choosing into the Lord right now and he’s bringing me through”. Recently I’ve been pressing into the community I am surrounded with and if I hadn’t been totally honest about the circumstances I am facing right now, we wouldn’t have gotten this close this fast. They have rallied around me and spoken life over me. They have prayed over me. They have sat with me in my tear puddles and my joyful laughs. They have been able to help me grow instead of not having any idea how I actually am.
Sometimes we want to hide the true reality to paint a picture of the reality we wish we were living. Erase this lie and step into honesty… because it’s so beautiful.
CGA update:
These classes are going to push me and I already have so many options in front of me for this next season. I am signed up to attend a class to be able to take my passion of speaking life into women OVERSEAS and LITERALLY ALL OVER THE UNITED STATES. And I’ve already seen so much fruit from this program impacting my heart and the way I want to lead people soon. Its good. It’s crazy. It’s going to be so fruitful.
Fundraising update:
I AM AT 1500 and I need 2000 BY THE END OF THE DAY!! We can do it! I believe the Lord is good and his promises are true!
THANKS FOR READING!!! I love y’all and your constant support 🙂
