The Hurt. The Transition. The New.

The Hurt. The Transition. The New. 

 

I have been home for alittle over a month now. At this time on the race I would be preparing to pack my bags again and preparing for a new country with a fresh start. 

 

Instead I am still here… at home.

 

While I have been home I have realized a lot of things. The first one being that just like everywhere else, the United States needs missionaries too. The second one being that expectations ruin everything. 

 

Expectations have ruined my time being home. I didn’t even think I had expectations until I arrived here and felt my emotions start to flood and cloud my thoughts. I went into every conversation or situation expecting something that was the opposite of what I actually experienced. I still have expectations I’m trying to erase. 

 

I didn’t think I would be so tired or so drained by the smallest of tasks or adventures. 

I didn’t think I would be so deep in my head all the time remembering and thinking back on this year over and over and over again. 

I didn’t think I would be so burdened by the stories I still carry of the people I came across or the situations I encountered. 

I didn’t think I would feel so alone in my own home, town, or city. 

 

Very quickly I realized that I was entering a state of “victimization” and that I had to snap out of it. I wasn’t going to be used by God here in the US if I didn’t surrender all my barriers I had barricading me before. I can’t bring kingdom if I am unable to be used. I am not a victim and it’s my job to speak out what I walked through and it’s my job to keep the mission going. My mission didn’t end in Ecuador, it changed in Ecuador. 

 

I need to push past my mental blocks and start sharing the things that rub people the wrong way or the things that make people uncomfortable.

I need to push past my mental blocks and start sharing the things that bring joy to people or make people laugh. 

I need to push past my mental blocks and start sharing the things that others can’t from their own countries. I need to be their sounding board and their voice here. 

 

It’s hard to go from living in 3rd world countries to not having to worry about a meal or my personal comfort. I find myself frustrated at the smallest things and over joyed at the same item or luxury. I catch myself angry when people don’t understand my passions but even angrier at myself when I can’t find the words to explain it. I see myself trying to adapt into a world that I don’t understand yet.

 

It’s hard.

 

It hurts.

 

I start talking to people about my race and I genuinely feel the Lord working and speaking through me and then 25 seconds later I feel stuck again. 

 

There are moments all I want is to talk about my experiences and moments when I want nothing more than to change the conversation. 

There are moments where I am laying in my bed and I can’t go to sleep for hours because I keep getting flashbacks of all the faces I saw and all the people I met. Sometimes it brings delight and sometimes it brings me the worst pain I have ever felt. 

There are moments I want to be alone and I don’t want anyone to talk to me and there are moments I want to feel seen and loved and I want everyone in the world to be around me. 

There are moments I feel like the people I love the most don’t understand me and they think I am crazy or stupid for my new passions and ambitions… and in these moments I have to realize it’s okay that they don’t understand and it’s okay if I don’t get 100% support all the time from everyone. 

There are moments where I truly don’t know what to do and it’s even hard to sit and be still because I miss the race so much. 

 

Comparison is a trap and I find myself falling deep into it as I continue to transition into the United States. I have compared the hospitality, the cleanliness, the housing, the food, the culture, the love and everything else between every country I have gone too, and especially with the United States since I have been home. It’s toxic. It’s unhealthy. And it has really ripped me to shreds. The United States is a country that is amazing in its own ways and bad in its own ways, just like any other country. I am having to choose into the United States just like I had to choose into every other country before. 

 

Feeling everything I am feeling is normal and I am having to understand that I am normal. There’s no rule book for what I just went through and how to come home afterwards. It’s hard. It hurts. But I have to keep going because the Lord wants to use me… especially now in the midst of this. 

 

My Race was by far the sweetest and most fruitful season I have ever entered or left behind… but it doesn’t have to end. I need it to continue. It is changing but it isn’t over. God called me to keep going, not to end now. He knows where my heart is at and he doesn’t want me to sit in sadness. He needs me to stand up when I feel like sitting down and to speak out what I have learned and experienced instead of staying confused and lost. God made a beautiful season that he wants me to continue in a new way. 

 

From now on I am going to be posting a few reflection blogs before I leave for CGA.  I am going to post one for each month of my race. In each blog I will be sharing things I either couldn’t at the time because of rules or safety, or things I didn’t have the words for as I was living it out. I have come to realize that I have a lot I am holding onto that God wants me to speak out. There’s stories of redemption, healing and love that the Lord wants me to share! So I am going to. I am hoping it will open the eyes of people and bring a perspective that many might not be able to see on their own. I am hoping it will help you all see what I got to experience and help you feel more apart of the journey we went on together. Stay tuned for those blogs coming soon. 

 

This season is hard and I find myself even now still in my same confused and lost mental state. I feel Jesus beginning to break it and beginning to mold me into something so very changed and new. It’s hard when you are being molded after something so grand because it hurts. Processes always hurt but the end is always sweet. My time home will slowly become easier as I continue to let Jesus in. 

 

RACERS. If you are a fellow racer that just got home like I, these are some things that might help us transition home. 

1. Be patient with yourself. Give yourself grace. You are normal. 
2. Process your race. Privately, out loud, journal, or any way you can. Come to terms with what you just walked through. 
3. Allow yourself to have fun. Eat junk food, binge watch Netflix, treat yourself. We live in a land of blessings… that’s okay! We just lived overseas for almost a year… eat some cake!
4. Keep moving. Keep doing God’s mission. Speak up, speak out, and keep moving forward. We brought kingdom all over the world… why stop now??
5. Let people in. Don’t try to do this on your own. 
6. Don’t be closed off. Ask your friends and families about their years too. They went through stuff too! 
7. STAY IN THE WORD. Jesus is our guide, especially now in this new season. Get plugged in. Get connected. Stay with Jesus. 

(all of this I need to apply to myself too)

 

If you are someone that wants to know how you can help someone who is coming home from being gone overseas for a long period of time, I have some things I have written below. (Mostly geared towards people who want to help a fellow world racer in their lives)

1. Be patient. They are going to fluctuate in their emotions and wants a lot… be patient. Ask them questions, give them space, and give yourself time to figure out the NEW person and give them time to figure themselves out too. 
2. Be nosey. I can’t tell you how many times I have wanted to share a story but didn’t have the words to even say a word to start the conversation. Ask them about the food, the environments, the ministries, the anything. They may seem closed off but I guarantee most times they are just overwhelmed… I know I am like that a lot. 
3. Be understanding. They may cry because they saw a TV or because you said something that reminded them of something. They may laugh at times that seem extremely inappropriate. They may want to be alone then the next minute be mega clingy. They may be hypersensitive to things that really don’t matter. Please be understanding. 
4. Tell us about you. Open up to them and tell them about your life. They want to know all about you just as much as you want to know about them… they just may not know how to ask. 
5. Run with them. Run with their crazy ideas and their crazy ambitions. They have just lived a life of “anything is possible with Christ”. Anytime they felt compelled to do something they would pray, plan, and do… and they wouldn’t stop until they did it! If they come to you with a crazy idea, run with them. Change doesn’t stop when you enter the United States and they may want to continue bringing change in their own communities. This is huge. 
6. Support them. Learn what they need from you the most. If it’s for you to run alongside them in their ambitions, run. If it’s someone to sleep in their bed with them, sleep. If it’s someone to listen to them, listen. Support them in their own unique needs. 

 

Well this blog is officially super long. Be on the lookout for some new blogs soon about my race, my CGA journey so far, and more!

 

I love you all and as always, thanks for supporting me! If you feel led to donate to my CGA fund, you can do that at the top of this page! My deadline is $2000 by August 27th! Thank you guys.