The Happy Girl.
Elementary school: “She is always happy!! She never stops smiling!”
Middle school: “She’s such a delight to have in class! Always upbeat and positive!”
High school: “She laughs all the time and always has a smile plastered on her face! Her insight, young wisdom, and optimism radiates!”
On the World Race: “She chooses into joy in the midst of her pain. She sacrifices herself for others and continually radiates the fathers love.”
In the first part of CGA: “She’s a joyous natural leader that is filled with love and happiness, but doesn’t know how to fully steward her own pain.”
Hello I am Courtney and “she” is me.
The happiness inside me is a gift from the Holy Spirit, but I’m learning that some gifts can also be quickly turned into walls or crutches. My joy is a clear gift the Lord has called me to share with this world and it’s a gift that I share without even thinking about it. It radiates without me making a conscious thought. I can find joy in literally any situation. Optimism is my brain path 99.9% of the time without any effort.
“It’s fine! That’s totally okay! Don’t worry about it!” Are responses I say on a daily basis to situations of minor to major conflict. Usually things aren’t fine, they aren’t totally okay, and I probably will worry about it later. Is this always true? No, but a lot of times exuding happy vibes is more important in the moment than actually diving into the issue at hand.
THE TRUTH CAME OUT. Yikes.
Subconsciously I want the world around me to be happy because I want to be happy, and if the world around me is happy I can feel better and be happy, and so I try to make the world around me happy so that I can be happy. Hmmmm… what about this is wrong?
What if instead of making the world around me happier as my main focus… I actually made myself happier as my main focus?
“But Courtney… you already are so happy!” You right… but also I can’t only live in my happy realm, I have to dive deeper into the parts of me that hurt, have pain, are angry, and are neglected so that my joy can be PURE instead of simply THERE.
YIKES. Truth came out again.
What does it mean to dive deeper into the parts that hurt, have pain, are angry, or are neglected to make my joy actually pure? It means saying YES to an emotion as it comes and not hiding it behind my joy, but actually giving myself the permission to FEEL it and give it PERMISSION to rest in my heart. It doesn’t have to live there, but it does have to be processed through so that I can learn from it and receive whatever I need to from it.
Pain is a messenger, not an evil attacker.
Pain directs you to the parts of you you need to address and heal from. Healing is a process and the process starts with feeling it. The process might take a day or the rest of your life, but once you give yourself permission to feel your emotions instead of shoving them away, the shame of having emotions other than joy can and will flee.
Processing your emotions doesn’t have to be a dragged out event that uncovers the depths of your soul… it can be as small as thinking through something instead of dismissing it, or writing your feelings out instead of keeping them in your mind. It can look like praying to God for truths into the situation instead of using your own discernment, or can be you asking insight from others into your emotions and checking it back with the Lord later.
Processing emotions, especially emotions you haven’t let yourself feel for years or even decades for some people will be messy and will look differently for everyone. Art, writing, verbal processing, worship, prayer, drawing, thinking it through and more are good and simple avenues. The key is allowing yourself to feel it and then walking with it in whatever way your soul needs too.
Why is this so hard? Our human nature doesn’t want to feel pain… in fact it is created in such a way to flee from any kind of pain. We create defense mechanisms and have a natural “fight, flight or freeze” when it comes to dangers of this world. When we are in a sketchy environment this is wonderful… when we are dealing with our emotions this is detrimental.
We as humans can’t help others in their pain if we haven’t even learned how to help ourselves yet. Constantly we walk others through hardship, but the thought of walking ourselves through hardship makes us fight, flight, or freeze… in these moments choose to embrace. These hard parts of you are PARTS OF YOU! If you don’t treat it as an equal part of you it will just pop up everywhere you don’t expect it too until you give it the appropriate attention and care.
Does it suck? Yes. Is it hard? Yes. Am I good at doing this yet? NOPE.
This is so hard for me and I actually will probably always in some way have a hard time with this (we all will). It will always be an internal battle I will have to choose into… but that’s okay. It’s okay to not be perfect and it’s okay to not have everything together… all we can do is give it our best and continually keep striving towards the Lord.
The Lord gave us a heart with a full capacity to feel… that wasn’t by mistake.
Once we allow ourselves to feel all the emotions and receive the healing that it brings with time and proper care, the joy you feel will be a genuine emotion and not a cover up. HECK YES!
TO WRAP THIS UP I want y’all to hear that I love the Gift of Joy I carry. Truly, it’s something that has carried me through some of my darkest times as a human thus far. It’s a gift I will keep pursuing to use for the kingdom. Even in my time of processing pain and hurt, or anger and confusion… I will also be striving to be joyous and life breathing. I don’t have to choose one emotion to feel, I can feel more than one at one time. Anger and joy can live in peace. Sadness and laughter can live together. Confusion and happiness can be friends. Some days I may not have much or any pain to process and that’s awesome! But I know some days I will, and that’s okay. Gods a good God and I trust him and I trust the unique way he made me.
Thank you for reading this blog and thank you for your support in this journey! I love you all! 🙂
